I wanted to share a piece that I wrote almost exactly three months ago. I wrote it when someone in my life was giving me a hard time. I didn’t post it because I was afraid of what you would think of me. I didn’t post it because it’s about hate.
I have a confession to make. It’s hard for me to admit and I don’t feel good about it. But I’ve told you everything else so here goes: I’m mad and I feel hate.
Yes, I feel hate.
In all my years of dealing with this and that and him and her, this whole hate thing never really happened until now. Even with that one girl who said the cruelest things to me that one time. “No wonder he left you,” she said.
It’s that nasty kind of hate. It’s the kind of hate where you kind of hope that person will feel pain, too.
It’s a liberating kind of hate. I’m experiencing something so intense that I finally have this big sense of passionate dislike toward someone who is choosing to treat me badly. Finally.
The thing is, I’ve spent much of my life avoiding conflict, being ambivalent toward people who have hurt me, quickly forgiving those who have betrayed me just to avoid that icky feeling. “Oh it’s not that bad. It was probably my fault, anyway.”
In my view, finally feeling it means I’m finally realizing my worth. Feeling it means I’m learning that it’s not ok to be treated this way. Feeling it means my heart still thrives. Thump thump. Thump thump.
While I’ve somehow managed to find the positive in this hate, I also know for certain that I don’t want it in my heart. Hate keeps you imprisoned, connected to that person or thing. It prevents you from focusing on other, more fulfilling parts of your life. It creates a stink that others can smell; that others avoid. It’s a block that keeps you right where you are.
Just like love, forgiveness is a choice you have to make over and over again. It is an act of the will, a will that can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. So starting today, as much as I don’t want to right now, I’m going to give this whole forgiveness thing a shot. Because a heart filled with hate has no room for love. And you all know how I feel about love. Big fan. Huge.
It was hard to revisit this post from a few months ago because it reminded me of how upset I was at the time. The intensity of my anger was real. My pain was big. And I felt stuck because I wanted to hide it. I secretly wanted it to stay because I never wanted to give this person the benefit of my love ever again. But, that whole forgiveness thing worked. Right now…this very moment…I have zero hate. At all. I think about him and meh. And me? Nothing but smiles.
Trust that life gives you exactly the experiences you need to become a better human. Unless you let go, unless you forgive others, unless you forgive the situation, you can never move forward. Onward.
Thanks for that experience, person I used to hate.
One thought on “Mad. Love.”
It’s therapeutic to read this, Fi. One of the epiphanies in my life was realizing, chances are we will never get over some experiences. That’s okay. We just have to get through them so we can move onto what’s next.
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